So you’ve graduated. Now the existential crisis shall begin. Where are you going to go? What are you going to do? What do you want to do? How will your enrolment in Lady Gaga Studies help you in the real world? Why didn’t you apply for those grad schemes instead of watching The Lord of the Rings back to back?
Well, there’s no time for that. You’ve (probably not) made your bed, and now you’ve got to lay in it. You’re part of the big wide world now and there’s no longer a tutor there to email you because you didn’t show up for “Born This Way: A Postcolonial Analysis.” It’s time to find two matching socks, wash them, put them on, and then pull them up. The jobs that people actually want today are more competitively fought for than ever before. You need to stick out as the 20-something sore thumb in a world filled with boring quadragenarian fingers.
Other than getting a face tattoo, joining the circus or moving to South East Asia because they “get you” out there, many people are turning to physical, personal touches to grab the attention of potential employers. I did, I graduated last year and now look at me. I’m living the highlife getting paid to write these words that you’re reading.
A good way to start on the right foot is to get a sleek deck of business cards. I’m talking paper so thick that you can use it as a paperweight for itself, Mohawk lining down the middle to feature colours that connote your intense burning passion for the world of human resources. The difference between a good set and a poor set is probably tantamount to your weekly coffee spend which you justify as it ‘gives you a place to work.’
Another tip I’d offer to you is to GET YOUR HAIR CUT. Once you’re in the security of a job you can grow yourself a nice scraggly beard or just not bother to wash for a few days because, y’know, you’ve got a lot on. If you’re soon to graduate but are still ringing out those last few drops of enjoyment from the education system, look ahead and buy yourself some clothes that say “I’m a normally functioning adult,” rather than “I’ve microwaved tinfoil twice this week and I’m gonna give it another shot.” Don’t underestimate the importance of your aesthetic. That suit you wore to prom is not going to cut it anymore.
Alternatively: postcards. They’re like emails except you can touch them. You might’ve seen your parents receive them on the rare occasion. Sending these out to employers rather than an email you’ve copied and pasted that still erroneously includes placeholder names and a confused ending that varies from “Yours Sincerely” to “Yours Respectfully” to simply “Yours,” because you’ve opted for a trial-and-error approach to job applications. Seriously though, potential employers really appreciate someone who’s trying to do something a little different. After you’ve had an interview, try popping a little thank you in the post, it’ll keep separate you from the herd. Alternatively, sending out a postcard asking to meet for a coffee, rather than an email demanding a job. It’s a much less utilised and much more effective way of worming your way into the plant pot of the working world.
Sort your room out too. Take those Green Day posters off the wall and make a separation of the sartorial carpet you’ve created by way of months of unwashed clothes. I mean, at least make a little path from the door to the bed… pretend you’re parting the red sea or something. You’re a working girl now. You need a space that’s fitting for someone who’s ready to get out there and learn advanced Excel abilities.
Maybe that’s a step too far. But can you remember how to use a pen, you Generation Y technical wiz? It’s basically a stylus except it secretes ink. Anyway, a handwritten message on customised letterhead paper may well be the cherry on top of your employment sundae. Whether you want to bring back the quill or directly print your robotic emails onto them. Your correspondence will look like something straight from the desk of a Monaco business tycoon, rather than a dimly lit basement.
I’m gonna assume by now that this either describes you, or someone you know.
Perhaps you gave birth to them, they might be the person whom you arbitrarily call throughout the year to ‘check up on them’ (read: make them feel obliged to visit you when you’re old and grey), or maybe it’s that kid across the street that you wish was part of the family but unfortunately they’ve got their own. A nice way to get them their first step on the career ladder would be to get one of our gift cards; a nice present to slip into a graduation card that can’t be used on Vodka, or… pogs, or whatever’s ‘rad’ nowadays.
Written by David
14th May 2015
The MOO Blog
No comments:
Post a Comment